


tfw when your trans

by anonymous_renegade



Category: Homestuck
Genre: A - Freeform, Short as hell, about dysphorie, chatfic??, idk - Freeform, kinda angsty, more the lack of : /, pregnancy (?), this is a quick unedited thing btw, whats the word
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-15 13:07:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20866727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonymous_renegade/pseuds/anonymous_renegade
Summary: have you ever wanted something so bad that it hurt?





	tfw when your trans

June: jade have you ever wanted something so bad that it hurt?   
Jade: um...   
Jade: yeah i guess so? but you might need to be a little more specific

June: oh uh right.

June: i guess what i mean is... have you ever felt like something is supposed to happen. And i don't mean like sburb or anything just that it's... so right and real that it cant not be.

June: and uh but it isnt!

June: it does not be! and your stuck as this like, incomplete person because this really important part of your life is gone?

June: but it's not gone.

June: like it never existed i guess?

Jade: um! no :(

Jade: but i think i know what you mean. do you wanna talk about it?

June: um. i don't know i guess just.

June: is it possible to mourn something you never had?

Jade: ive done a lot of mourning for people i never met actually. i used to worry so much about what you guys were up to and all the people i could have met and all the places i could have seen! and when we started the game i mourned all the stuff i didnt end up ever getting around to! i still wish i could have seen new york... but i don't mourn anymore because i make new experiences. I forge my own path

June: wow.

June: thats uh. very sweet! But.

June: i don't think i can do that

Jade: of course you can! you just need to put your mind to it and act towa-

June: but what if i don't want to.

Jade: :(?

June: i guess just.

June: what if the thing i never had was like, a good thing? and it kinda feels nice to think about sometimes. and um. forgetting about them. cant really be an option.

June: like i don't know forgetting about a really long relation ship just because it had to end. wouldnt that be bad? could it even be possible? and it definitely wouldnt be a good idea right! it would just hurt more by the end!

Jade: ...   
Jade: them?

June: oh um. just um. forget i said that sorry.

Jade: june are you and roxy doing alright?

June: huh?

June: oh no were fine! Were great it's not them don't worry.

Jade: oh...

Jade: then. could you tell me what it is about?

June: uh. i don't know it's really heavy? like really really heavy.

Jade: june it's alright i can take it. i really care about you and don't want you to go through this alone :(

June: well. ummmm........

June: i guess.

June: can i ask you a question ive never asked before?

Jade: of course!

June: so uh. when you god tiered.

Jade: yeah

June: how much of you. uh. Changed?

Jade: oh um... what do you mean by that? you mean like my ears?

June: no no uh. like. um. how much. did you transition.

Jade: oh!

Jade: well...

Jade: i guess the first thing i did was stop hair from growing on my face. ive always super hated it so that ones easy! then i made my chest a little bigger. or i guess i just gave myself one. nothing too big of course! but i have changed that from time to time hehe. and um.... everything else is the same!

June: everything?

Jade: ive always wanted to keep some leg hair and i have a really strong frame so i kept it! i know rose changed her shoulders and hips and stuff but that just isnt my style :B. and well... i guess i don't really have dysphoria around the other thing!

June: ok.

June: yeah i guess i don't either really.

June: but.

June: saying-

June: well i guess-

June: on the-

June: bluh ok im just starting over.

June: i didnt get a magic trans formation. and thats kinda obvious to every one with eyes. but i only care about that sometimes?

June: ill get better. ill improve myself.

June: im a little late but that dosent mean im not gonna be the cutest god damn girl earth c has ever seen!!!!

Jade: woo!!

June: but theres some stuff that uh. hormones and surgeries cant fix.

Jade: oh june :( don't internalize what people online say you know theyre just-

June: no no not like that.

June: sorry i don't mean to cut you off i just mean that.

June: that.

June: i.

June: 

June:

June: i havent. thought about what i would have named them.

June: because it would hurt too much?

June: but there would be two of them. and uh. i imagine them as girls but they could have been anything of course.

June: but they would be really different for sure. A few years apart, maybe two or four? The oldest wouldnt be my biggest fan because im her mom and stuff :/ but she would still love me you know.

June: like once she got out of that phase we would stay really close. and even during then we would have some real conversations with her that are important to us.

June: and.

June: we would live in a nicer house. with two floors and separate bed rooms for everyone. and i would kiss my wife every day when i leave to bring them to school and she would tell me to be careful. and i would be.

June: and i would learn to cook and i would be there for all of them and we would go through some hard times but we would get through it together. because. because. 

June: heh um gosh im really crying. i havent cried in a while. i. I.

June:

Jade wraps her arms around June, positioning her sister to cry into her torso.

June: and i cant even. be around t. the consort kids? because they make me feel. really really bad about. because i cant ever. and i cant be around little porrim for more than like. five minutes and. and.

June: it w- it would have been perfect. and we would have been happy and it would have been enough be because we. i would be enough for me and i would have. i cant do what im supposed to do jade.

June: i want to so bad i want to more than i can want something i need to it's everything to me. its every thing that i am its more than just this it's- im so broken? and theres nothing that i can. can ever do to fix it. and i- it would have been so easy... it would have been so easy it. i. i would. i.

Jade: sh sh sh... june it's ok. 

Jade: it's ok

Jade: im. im so sorry

Jade: im so sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Theres no conclusion


End file.
